I shouldn’t have to post this, but here it is.
I have to write about a topic that we need to focus on if we’re going to become better friends, family and humans generally.
Do you want to better yourself? I sure hope so.
Here are some examples of people asking/telling me things that really didn’t need to be said. Things that upset or irritated or shocked me. Things that upset others in the room. Things that really weren’t my business to know or theirs to pry about.
I’m talking about the topic of having kids.
Generally, people are inconsiderate and assume I want to take on the emotional labour they’re about to offload onto me. I never do.
Each time I’m put into one of these uncomfortable situations, I get defensive, and ask myself how best I can respond. Like it’s my issue to solve now. I need to answer them. I need to go along with it. Depending on the setting (work colleague, friend, family member, acquaintance, stranger), I may react differently. But no matter the circumstance, I shouldn’t be put on high alert mentally or emotionally. And neither should you. And yet, it happens far too often and, quite frankly, I’m sick of it. I’ve had enough.
Here are some examples of people raising the topic of “having kids” with me, without my permission:
Someone deciding to offload onto me about their unplanned pregnancy via Instagram DM and then telling me to “just come home and have babies”. Not a close friend.
Someone at work telling me how they always wanted to be a young Mum. I hadn’t actually asked them anything about the topic. They brought it up. Talking about how they knew it was the best thing to have kids in their 20s while they were young and healthy (gag). I was already in my 30s at this point, and they were well aware. Others in the room were squirming physically, and yet, they continued.
People saying “when you have kids” not if. Always assuming I want them. Always assuming it’ll be possible.
Friends asking “Are you guys going to have kids?” outright, without us bringing up the topic first. Sure, they’re my friends, but it’s incredibly awkward to be asked that, and I honestly would never ask someone that. It’s no one’s business until you decide it is. Sometimes we are forced to say “I don’t know. If it happens, it happens.”
If I’ve said this to you, just know that this is all I could muster up as a response, because I didn’t want to answer you at all. No matter how close we are, you shouldn’t have asked.Another colleague asking when we’ll have kids. Assuming it was a case of when. Not if we want them. Not if we can have them. She hadn’t ever met my husband, just saw I was married and assumed. And even then, we weren’t close or friendly. She also asked about my age, as she was clearly doing the maths in her head, figuring out how long I had. Even if someone knows they don’t want kids, they do not have to announce it to the world. People change their minds. People are undecided or unsure. All of those feelings are valid and nothing is set in stone. You don’t have to wear a badge that states your future plans.
A colleague telling me she was pregnant and stressing the point of “We’d only just started trying. We didn’t think it would happen so soon”. I get it. You were trying to rationalise the news, in relation to work. Maybe you yourself were in shock. But, wow. Those words could really be hurtful. By telling someone getting pregnant was quick or easy, you could be triggering some pretty horrible emotions for them. And either way, is it really necessary to tell people this? Especially when they didn’t ask? You should be able to tell someone you’re pregnant, without explaining why or how long it took. Especially in the workplace. There’s already so much pressure on women to pursue multiple facets of life, family, career and hobbies. Women shouldn’t have to justify their pregnancy, just like they shouldn’t have to justify not wanting kids. Or justify not working vs working.
Anyone assuming I was thinking about having kids before 30 and asking me about it from age 22 onwards. I absolutely wasn’t. And that was ok. That was our choice. My choice. My career and husband were my priorities. Living selfishly. Travelling. Dining out and exploring. Enjoying hobbies and each other’s company.
These are a handful of far too many examples. Too many to endure, and I have the feeling that I field a lot less of them than the average woman. None of us owe you a response or an explanation. My heart goes out to my single friends, who are hassled regularly about “settling down”, “finding a man/husband” and additional pressures. Being married gives me a bit of a buffer, but it’s still not OK.
If you think you’re one of the people I mentioned above or quoted, you don’t need to say sorry to me. I don’t want to hear it. You literally cannot justify your words.
I especially don’t want you to say “I didn’t realise what you were going through”. Of course you didn’t. That’s the point. You still don’t, and that’s my choice. You can never know what someone’s going through, so don’t ever assume they’re not going through something. If it helps, just assume everyone has or is going through something. Just assume no one wants or can have kids. That way, you won’t ask, and the can tell you (in the right way), if/when they choose.
I don’t want to be put on the spot with an apology or the words “I’m so sorry”, just like I didn’t want to be put on the spot when you asked me the question or when you blurted out your personal stance as though it was appropriate. Don’t make this any more uncomfortable than it already is.
If you do, I’ll more than likely hang up on the call or ignore the text or not respond to the social media comment/DM. That awkwardness is now on you.
I don’t have it in me to fight or explain so that you can feel better. None of us do.
I want you to think about how you word things (or don’t) next time and consider your choice of words more carefully.
If you don’t feel comfortable saying something, it’s best not to say anything at all.
The birth rate in Australia is already on a 1.6% decline in 2021 since last year. There are many factors contributing to this, but a lot of it is people choosing not to have kids. Something like 1 in 6 couples experience issues with fertility. So it’s more than likely that someone you know is going through a similar ordeal right now, and having you say you “didn’t realise” really doesn’t help.
If someone doesn’t ever want children or isn’t sure yet, they don’t owe you an answer or an explanation. If they choose to tell you, if they change their mind - it’s still not your place to push your agenda onto them. If they want advice, they’ll seek it out. Let them live their life. Focus on yours.
No matter that person’s age, it is not your place to suggest they freeze their eggs “just in case”.
If someone opens up to you about their situation, this leads to a slew of other things that you can say that are wrong and hurtful. If someone has had one or many miscarriages, it is NOT helpful to suggest they “stay positive” or “I’m sure the next one will stick” or “what about adoption?” or anything of that nature.
If someone tells you they’re trying to conceive (TTC), an appropriate response is “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to support you”. They don’t need to hear about a friend of a friend of a coworker who finally got pregnant after 3 years because they took a holiday and relaxed or how you know someone who did IVF or how you hear acupuncture and green juices could work. That’s not being supportive. If someone opens up to you, and you realise you’re both in the same boat, this is a specific scenario where you could potentially bond over it and support each other equally.
Anyone dealing with the above or anyone who doesn’t want kids can read articles, watch YouTube videos and speak to Doctors and counselors if they want data, examples and support. If they come to you for support, provide it.
If your situation or decisions are something you wish to discuss with friends, family, colleagues or on social media - go for it. I am by no means telling anyone to stay quiet. With some specific topics, I wish more people spoke about their experience. But what you have to understand is, that by posting publicly or even confiding in a friend, you may be opening the floodgates to unwarranted comments or advice. You have to mentally prepare yourself for that. Not everyone can handle it. That’s why so many people choose to keep things to themselves. Additionally, just because someone chooses to tell you about their situation, decision or stance, does not mean you have to reveal yours. Even if it’s the same. Privacy is your choice. Remember that.
I’m married and have at least 8 close, single, child-free (I prefer this to childless) friends my age or older. I also know of at least 5 married/partnered couples, who we are friendly with, who don’t have kids. We do not discuss the topic. It’s come up with a few of them (their choice), and I stayed as neutral as possible. I was there for them - judgement-free. I wouldn’t DARE ask them if they want kids. And when they’re single, dating etc. How dare I?
Even if someone has one kid or three, don’t ask them when they’re having another. No one needs your opinions on the ideal number of kids to = happiness.
It shouldn’t matter if a woman is single, married, dating, young, old. Do. Not. Ask.
I don’t know how many times we have to say this. Just don’t ask.
And if you have asked before, it’s done, so don’t ask again.
Men and partners count, too. Don’t ask them. Don’t avoid us and try to get an answer from them somehow. Supportive partners won’t tolerate it either.
Moving on to: triggers.
Social media posts about due dates and pregnancy announcements have become the norm. Family bloggers/vloggers and exploitative baby/child content are on the rise. This is a whole other saucy topic I won’t go into today. Muting is the perfect feature for anyone who finds excessive posts (of any kind) triggering. If that’s you, please use those tools. There is nothing wrong with muting someone’s stories/posts if their growing bump or family photos upset you. The “take a break” feature on Facebook is perfect for this. No one will know. It’s much easier than deleting social media altogether and feeling disconnected, especially during a pandemic.
Additionally, if someone has gone through miscarriages and/or fertility issues, it is by no means their responsibility to add that to their post about (finally) being pregnant.
Would it help to normalise it? Sure. I genuinely hope more people feel comfortable opening up and being vulnerable and transparent on the internet, but I’m not saying everyone should.
So know this: some of the announcement posts may look instant and easy, but social media is typically a facade and we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. How many tries. How much money. How many tears.
What I am personally continually happy to see, are celebrities and influencers opening up about their fertility journeys or desire to not have kids, on social media. We can’t always rely on the media to pick up the slack. We need more of this to normalise it. And maybe then, people will pay more attention and be more considerate to others. But just because some influencers and celebrities choose to talk about it, it still does not give you the right to ask if they’re pregnant because their stomach looks larger in a photo. It doesn’t give you the right to ask them when they’re planning on having kids. They’re still people, not characters.
These are public figures who already put their lives online for entertainment and it’s their career. They can help everyone, if they want to. But if you’re a very private person, I am by no means saying you need to speak up about your personal situation. Not everyone has to be that brave.
If you’ve gone through several years of trauma, it’s not a requirement to tell everyone about it (pregnancy announcement or abuse or anything else). Just as I’ve been saying this whole time - it’s none of our business, until you want it to be.
Do I think every pregnancy announcement should come with a disclaimer? No.
But know this: when you post your announcement, there are considerate ways to do it, given it’s usually public on social media and anyone could see it.
I have no issue with people posting their announcements online. It’s become the norm. But I do think a little more care could be taken with them. The wording matters.
You do not have to write at length about issues you’ve never dealt with, but to post anything that remotely mentions how quick or easy or unexpected/a surprise it was will really hurt more people than you realise.
There are tactful ways to go about your post, so that everyone can be happy for you, truly.
There’s no magic formula for this, so if you’re not sure - google it! There’s countless articles and posts online, explaining how to be more tactful with your post. The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is be real and honest and open. Acknowledge what others may be going through while announcing your news. Don’t be apologetic, but be supportive.
If you’re about to announce your pregnancy and you know someone close to you is struggling, consider sending them a text first to tell them. Be supportive. Don’t expect them to respond instantly. Give them space. But don’t let them find out with everyone else on Facebook or Instagram. They may prefer a text, as it gives them time to pause and respond. A call often catches people off guard. But you should be able to judge this based on your friendship.
I’ve heard some women say it’s not their problem and they shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells for the sake of others. To those, I honestly say FUCK OFF. You actually SHOULD be careful what you say. You should be considerate. Don’t you want to teach that to your future child? If not, then maybe reconsider why you’re having kids in the first place.
If you don’t care about your posts(s) possibly making someone upset, you’re a lost cause, in my books.
You also do not have to post about being pregnant on social media at all. It’s not the law. You can just pop out a child and go about your life.
So what’s the end goal?
It’s pretty simple and (duh) these are all my personal opinions, and if you’ve made it this far, just know that I’m writing this because it’s not said enough. If you disagree with me, that’s fine. I don’t want to argue with you. You can clearly see how strongly I feel about this and I will not back down. I am writing this to protect others.
Don’t ask anyone about having kids or starting a family. If they bring up the topic in relation to themselves, that’s your cue to be supportive and listen.
If you don’t understand a particular topic or issue, research it, so you can be ready to discuss it if anyone close to you experiences is. What you’re taught in school barely scratches the surface in terms of what most people deal with in their lives.
Stop assuming all individuals want kids.
Stop assuming all couples want kids.
Stop assuming marriage = wanting kids.
Stop assuming all people can have kids.
Stop assuming all people can have kids easily.
Stop stigmatising fertility treatments.
Stop assuming adoption is a backup plan or even possible.
Stop assuming every person TTC will ultimately move on to fertility treatments.
Stop assuming LGBTQI+ singles and couples wouldn’t want kids. Stop prying about how they would have them.
A life without children is not a life incomplete.
Take a step back and think about what you might have said in the past and change. Now.
In summary: be quiet, listen and learn.
Stop assuming. Be kind. Support anyone who needs it. Think before you speak.
If you found this expression of my opinion interesting, I’m glad. I’m not looking for apologies or explanations.
I shouldn’t have to post this, but here it is.