I'm a Glass-Over-Capacity Type of Person

I believe everyone is/leads one of the below:

Complex person complex life

Simple person simple life

Complex person simple life

Simple person complex life

Which are you?

I'm definitely a complex person with a complex life. I cannot change how complex I am as a person, but do I wish I lead a simple life? Sometimes.

It's hard to really pin-point the moment my life got complicated. If I ask myself did I struggle with anything in University, it's a yes. In High School - of course. Even Primary School had its challenges. And I'm not talking about the course-work. So maybe I've always had struggles and in my mind, that's what makes life complex or complicated. Everyone has struggles, but it's also about how you deal with them that makes your life either simple or complex. Some people have this innate ability to let their troubles and issues wash right over them like it's no big deal. I am not one of those people.

I am a realist. I say this as a positive thing, because I plainly don't have any delusions about my life, my past or my future. I don't ever think "magic" or "luck" will save the day and I also rarely enter a high-pressure situation without thinking of all the things that could go wrong, in order to be able to have a plan B, C, D etc. Don't get me confused with a pessimist though. I'm not a Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer when it comes to stress or pressure. I just know what is and isn't possible, and sometimes others don't always appreciate my realistic take on things. I don't think about the glass being half-full or half-empty... I just know if I'm thirsty and whether or not there's something I'd like to drink.

Why do I have this mindset? Because it reduces the chances of severe disappointment. Now, I'm not saying I don't look forward to things, such as events, parties, movies, holidays or work projects with the utmost hope that everything will be great, but I do always have this thought in the back of my mind that I'd better not expect it to be amazing or I'll be disappointed when it isn't. It's partially based on past experiences, all funnelling together in my mind to form this sort of lingering thought process, where I recall "what happened last time" or "how last time wasn't what we expected". It's not to say that sometimes I don't just enter a situation with an open mind, I do sometimes. I also just hate being disappointed in people, regretting money spent and generally feeling like my time has been wasted.

Control.
What I've also come to realise is that the more control I have over a situation, the more hopeful or optimistic I'll be about it going to plan and not backfiring. I'm probably a control-freak, and I'm ok with that. It means that when I plan holidays or business trips myself, they go off without a hitch. If anything does veer from the plan, I know how to solve it without having to ask anyone else for support. I partially don't trust anyone else to organize such detailed events, because of the precision needed for it to all work out. Most people outside of my close family don't know all of my quirks, they don't even realise certain things might annoy me, and I don't want them to know. So the only other people in my life I trust to organize travel are my Mum and Alex. That being said, Alex never books flights and accommodation for me. He does a lot of the research and then sits with me while I book it, after meticulously weighing up the pros and cons of various flights, hotel bookings and activities. 

Lack of control.
When I have a lack of control over a situation, I don't freak out, but I do get upset. I find myself thinking "this wouldn't have happened if X just let me do X", but sometimes I get even more frustrated when I tell myself I shouldn't have had to do that, even if they'd let me. That was their responsibility, and they dropped the ball. Being disappointed with people is even worse than being disappointed with a movie, restaurant or flight. So if someone lets me down once, my expectations of them are instantly lowered and it's going to be hard for them to be raised back up to a point where I'll feel like I can rely on them again.

Surprises.
No surprises here, then, that I don't like surprises. Not even a good jump-out-from-behind-a-wall scare that Alex will do on the odd occasion. I would not be happy with being taken somewhere and not knowing where we are going. I don't enjoy being taken to restaurants without having read the menu online first. I also don't like going anywhere without knowing approximately how long it will take to get there. I'm a scheduler. If someone buys me an unexpected present that's totally fine, because I don't have to go anywhere. So, there are conditions.

Burning the candle at both ends.
This is something I have always done, and it's probably what has led me to become the type of person that schedules and controls. I like to keep my mind active at all times, which means I also don't know how to switch off. I'm usually a deep sleeper though, thankfully. Even in my first full-time job in the fashion industry that wasn't enough. I wanted to be in a band, too. I wanted to make sure my creative outlets were broad and strong. Unfortunately once I got a few years in and to my second job, this was no longer possible. So I had to sacrifice music for my design career. I'm not upset about it, as I know it was the right choice for me regardless. The band was just for fun and my bandmates felt the same way too at the time.
Now, I burn the candle at both ends by choosing to do full-on makeup every morning, sitting to eat breakfast, paint my nails myself every week, still trying to squeeze in some song-writing with my Nord Helga and my new Roli toys, creating content for my Instagram just for fun, creating this website, watching 5-10 TV series' at a time, reading 3-4 books at once, working literally 12-14 hour days for the last 3 years and just generally scheduling my whole life from 7am-11pm every single day. This is definitely not sustainable, but it's the situation I'm in right now.
If I gave up all those personal things and just worked, ate and slept, I wouldn't be happy. Work isn't enough for me.
It doesn't quench my thirst for creative expression.
So I need that 40 minutes in the morning to paint my face, creating new colour combinations and improving my brush-work.
I need those brain-numbing or thought-provoking TV series, that let me escape my real life for a few hours at a time.
At some point, there will be a breaking point, where all these things I love to do, will encroach on my time to sleep.
I will have to draw the line then.

I don't know if I can simplify my life any time soon. I just wanted to put it out there that if you're also a complex person with a complex life, I get you.